Change

My last day in SciPubs at M. D. Anderson will probably be January 15. I will be leaving to work for Nora, Cammie, Mike, and myself.

I wonder if I will still use the series comma.

The morning of the 16th, 2009, I will wake up, and ... I know it's not an indefinite vacation, but there is an inner voice claiming that this path is the lazy way out. I do not want to overfill my days building launch pads of high expectations (sewing! cooking! capoeira! music! art! productivity!) that will really lead to disappointment, but I also want to do enough to deserve Mike's part of this sacrifice. Full-time motherhood is a luxury for me, in that it is something I want, and I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own.

I can't remember a time when I was this anxious about an upcoming date. It isn't just the extent to which I think I'll be able to get the house and my own life running in a more satisfying way than ever, or about not "having" to do anything in particular (is that freedom?). It's not about a career decision or motherhood, either, I think.

But I have been waiting for a change like this for a decade? forever? I don't know how this very big thing has snuck up on me. But I can look at my wall calendar and see that January 16 is very, very soon.